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A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??WAY TOO
COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.Nothing! I was disappointed.I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.She is such a sweet cat.But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…? I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dip shit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.I decided to give myself a one second burst just
for heck of it.I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .WHAT THE HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and ting ling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.A three second burst would be considered conservative?

THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so; from where it originally was.My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching.My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S.My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

‘If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.”

Just a warning i will not be responsible for the gasses this meal will produce

This is the instructions on how to make my infamous Chili-Mac

ingredients

1 package of chili seasoning mild

1 1/2 pound ground beef

1 can red beans

1 can pinto beans

1 can black beans

1 can chili beans

1 can of corn

1 big can of diced tomatoes

1 big can of diced tomatoes

1 box maccaroni and cheese

In a big pot put the cans of tomatoes in then add the beans after you drain them add the corn aswell also after drained

in a seperate frying pan u need to brown the ground beef after browned drain and add the chili seasoning

you will also need to boil a pot of water and make some mac and cheese im sure you can figure out how to do this any plain ole box of mac and cheese will do i use the ones from walmart with the cheese sauce NOT THE CHEESE MIX

once hamburger is cooked add it to the pot of beans and corn mean while turning the pot up to medium-high heat stirring occasonaly

allow 10 minutes for the maccaroni to cook once its finished drain the water add the cheese and mix it together with the rest of the stuff

thats about it let the pot sit on medium to high heat till its at the tempeture desired

this will produce about 10-12 servings

enjoy and happy farting

Genetically Engineered Beer Could Combat Cancer

From the Computerworld post:

A team of researchers at Rice University in Houston is working to create a beer that could fight cancer and heart disease. Taylor Stevenson, a member of the six-student research team and a junior at Rice, said the team is using genetic engineering to create a beer that includes resveratrol, the disease-fighting chemical that’s been found in red wine.

A sure-fire hit!
xenon

HILARIOUS Video <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

LMFAO

THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <<<<<<<< LINK Saturday Nite Live

Sex sells. Advertising and sex have been tied together since advertising became a big business. The use of sexually suggestive images to sell just about everything really emphasizes the point that sex is a merchandiser’s best friend.

Here are some recent ads where sex is used to sell all sorts of products. Looking at these ads, would you agree that sex really sells… best?

1) Lingerie

Let’s start with one of the most popular example of so called “sexy” (and after reading this, you may think one of the classiest of suggestive) advertising campaigns.

The Victoria’s Secret Angels.

For the consumer, it makes sense to use sex to sell lingerie, men’s cologne, even liquor, but what about using sex to sell some of these other products?

2) I will let you guess what product this print ad is for…

A vacuum.

That’s right. A company in Germany sells their household appliances, including vacuums, using images of women in fishnets and men tied up.

Maybe S and M does something for those looking to purchase a new vacuum? Who knew?

Do you see the vacuum in the bottom left corner? Look carefully, or you may miss the point of the ad.

Moving on…

3) Renova Toilet Paper

What about this print ad for Renova, a toilet paper brand? What’s sexy about toilet paper?

4) Volvo Cars

Even automobile companies seem to believe sex sells best.

This suggestive advertising is from Volvo, and its titled “We Are Just As Excited As You Are.”

Nice parking brake…

5) Coffee

What about this ad for an Italian coffee company? Coffee makes everyone think of sex, doesn’t it?

6) Lynx Body Wash

And of course, what better way is there to sell men’s body wash then with a sexy woman, slick and wet, in the shower? This print ad is for Lynx body wash.

Talk about gettin’ dirty….

7) Carl’s Jr. Hamburgers

Who could forget the infamous Paris Hilton ad? Remember Paris in a bikini washing a Bentley while eating a Carl’s Jr. famous burger?

Doesn’t everyone eat grease dripping burgers while washing their cars?

Milk

What about this Milk Gives ad that was displayed all over Canada to inform the public of the health benefits of drinking milk?

It’s an eye-catching way to show the “benefits” of drinking milk.

9) PETA Fruits

Even PETA seems to believe that sex sells. This television commercial promotes the purchase of fruits and veggies. Who knew that buying produce could be such a turn on?

Along with saving animals, one fur coat at a time, PETA is apparently a good judge of melons too.

Or what about the newest PETA campaign.

And who better to promote the cause than America’s favorite Playboy bunny…naked?

10) PUMA Clothing

There is really nothing to say that can add to this ad. Well, personally, I think they took “Sex Sells” just a little too far.

11) Herald Towers Condominiums

This is a print ad for the Herald Towers Condominiums in New York. What does sex have to do with real estate?

12) Che Magazine

This suggestive ad campaign was used in Belgium to promote a new men’s magazine, Che. (OK, so maybe for a men’s magazine, using sex to sell is an obvious marketing choice.)

13) Playstation 2

What better way to sell one of the hottest video game machines around then sex?

14) iPod

Take one of the best selling electronics products in the world. Combine it with sex and create something with even more heat? How much hotter can you get?

15) Aprilia Scooters

“On my scooter everything has to be perfect. ” This newspaper ad is for an Italian scooter company targeting men.

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

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